the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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