Barsexuality is the new black.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
