my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
