If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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