3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
