i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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