My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
