I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
