There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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