Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
