I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
