Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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