They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
