just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
