took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
