im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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