How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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