the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
