I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
not ubering you a puppy
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize