mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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