I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
