when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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