..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
