I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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