my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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