When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
