She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
