I cannot find my penis.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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