Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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