Just took my morning after pill in the library
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
