Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You took a bar mat shot.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
