before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
