dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
