she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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