he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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