New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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