Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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