I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Please don't give away my fajitas
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
