Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
