Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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