he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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