I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
