My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
