So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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