Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
party gras won. party gras always wins.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize