It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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