I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
