3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
