her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
