i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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