May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
