I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
