the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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