if you like me you must not know who I am
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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