he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
