Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
