apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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