Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We just shotgunned beers for America
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
