FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
