think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
